My Much-Ness Was Never The Problem

I always thought shrinking, lessening, and ‘making yourself smaller’ was about being shamed for (or ashamed of) who you were, not having enough confidence, not being able to stand your ground, etc…

Growing up, I was confident in most things, and had no problem standing my ground.

I knew I was ‘A LOT’, but absolutely loved & cherished my ‘much-ness.’

I never saw shrinking as something I did (or would) do.

So, imagine my surprise when I realized I had been doing it my whole fucking life.

That even though the origins and perspective may have been different for me, the results were the same.

Because for me the quieting, the lessening, the tempering, and the shrinking wasn’t about (or didn’t feel like) a lack of confidence or being ashamed, it was an attempt to maintain control.

It was the scanning and shapeshifting I did in every room.

It was an instinctual effort to (try to) manage other’s reaction to me.

Not because I didn’t like who I was, or I thought I should have to take my Shannon-ness down a notch, but because (by a very young age) I was sick and fucking tired of dealing with the backlash from those who couldn’t ‘handle’ me.

The talking shit.

The ‘putting me in my place.’

The punishment for, and being labeled ‘combative’ or ‘insubordinate’ just for using my voice.

The ‘taking me down a peg.’

The ego battles.

The chest puffing and insecurity wielding.

The being asked “how much have you had to drink?” or “what are you on?” when I was just being my ridiculous, sober-ass) self.

Be it in my childhood environment, or any of the similar environments I found myself in (and subconsciously re-creating) throughout my life – be it in relationships, friendships, my corporate life, or as I began to show up more on the internet for my business…

The way my much-ness, my power, my fire, was consistently met with others needing it to be less, or needing to have control or exert power over it, I learned there weren’t a lot of people or spaces that had room for me, or that had the capacity to hold and witness my fire.

So, it became easier (safer,) and less of an inconvenience to just dampen it myself, to save it for me and the very few people I trusted. (Or to keep it inside… because that is where I had the control.)

My fire was MINE, and if I was going to lessen it, it is going to be because I said so…

But keeping all that fire inside of me didn’t make things easier – it began to burn me alive, from the inside out.

It started to break free –

By burning itself out of the cage I had learned to put it in…

I(t) became destructive, addicted, isolated, angry, combative, protective… and that is how I lived most of my life.

But the thing is, my FIRE, my much-ness, my Shannon-ness was never the problem…

The way it was never validated, harbored or nurtured.

The way I was never taught to hold, wield or nourish it.

The way I learned it was easier to dampen it.

The way I believed there were very few spaces I could set it free.

The way I thought I was what didn’t fit.

The way I learned to be annoyed with (or afraid of) it.

The way in the end – because it IS me – it refused to be denied.

That was what created the coping.

That was what created the danger.

That was why I would eventually set everything on fire just to watch it burn.

That was why I used it to scald, to warn, to keep others at a distance, to protect.

Once I began to heal - to build and strengthen my foundation, my capacity, and MY ability to hold MY much-ness…

I learned how to hold, wield, and nourish it.

I became the room in which it could be set free.

I learned it was safe to let it burn, because there was always space for the flames within me… yeah?

And so…

It became easier to let my much-ness, my Shannon-ness shine on full-blast.

I learned the rooms that can’t hold or ‘handle’ it, simply aren’t the rooms I need or desire to be in.

That there is space for me in any room I choose to walk into, because the space has been created within me.

Because it IS me.

And I refuse to deny it - ever again.

For those of us operating in patterns of hyper-independence and over-self reliance, isolation, of being the strong one all the time…

A lot of what gets talked about in the world, but especially around healing and personal development work, doesn’t always resonate –

Because we see and experience the world (and emotion) differently.

The idea of ‘shrinking’ ourselves seems like something for the meek & mild (which more often than not, is the furthest thing from how we see ourselves.)

But once you start seeing your patterns and coping mechanisms as the protective skills you built for yourself, and feel into the anger, resentment, and annoyance (that you likely find it easier to connect to,) you start to see things very differently.

And shit starts to shift, quickly.

This is why having a coach – especially one who has rewired their own patterns and programming around hyper-independence, is so valuable. Hiring a coach was one of the greatest things I ever did for myself.

Because you can’t shift something you can’t see.

And, those of us who had to be the strong, independent, protective, self-reliant adults no one else in our childhood environment was choosing to be…

We see the world, ourselves, emotions, and others very, very differently… and in a way that preserves/protects the pattern, not that challenges it. (That is part of being human.)

But there comes a time, when it’s time to challenge those patterns.

When it is time for us to let our fire burn, to let it be our power rather than our protection.

That time is now.

The much-ness in me, sees and honors the much-ness in you, firecracker.

With Love & Fire,

Shannon